I’ve shared many a happy times in this blog. Most of my life is beautiful in so many ways. I am grateful. But to dig deeper and share my heart, hiding pain has become obvious by the last entry. I can write around anything and just smile – put up a pretty picture. But….
“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it’s over and you’re relieved.”-John Green
So I am “pulling off the Band-Aid” and going to write about pain. Because I do not know where to put it, my pain. As logical and understanding as I am, I am struggling.
Pain is delivered in many different ways throughout life from when your young ie; My 10-year-old self-“help I fell down the slate-basement stairs face forward” to adulthood, ER Nurse: Push the button when the pain is above a 7″ (me-not taking finger off button for days). That’s physical pain… had my share 10 fold care not to experience any of it ever again, the scars remind me.
And there’s other kinds of pain we do not want either, I mean really who ever asks for pain (never mind don’t answer I know some people do).
The distance pain of not being close to people you care about, people who have moved away. The loss of someone in your life, people change. And death, now we are talking go out and get yourself some ink to remind yourself of that person – pain. I have the smallest dove, only 1 inch big to remind me of my Grandmother. The loss of her was the hardest thing I have ever been through (until recently). Years later I still miss her. I miss her because she was so kind and had this beautiful smile. Unconditional love that woman had, I am so grateful she gave me – the gift of understanding it. The pain subsides but the longing remains for just one more minute.
Lets face it as adults, relationship pain can be just as bad as that pain of childhood. Except in adulthood there is no one to tell you it’s going to be alright, wrap you in a blanket, make you soup, wipe your tears. You have to do it and remind yourself of all good and believe it. It’s hard. Your logical and emotional mind are like enemies. Working against each other to get the win that day. Pain and loss are a process and the steps are not easy . I am in the beginning so it’s still right there. Raw. I don’t like this pain because it makes me feel different, hurts, makes me face some really tough things.
So I am here with my pain today and for a while I let it sit beside me. Let it really make me think and resolve some thoughts I had. I’ll drive with it, listen to music with it and try and figure it out…. I’ll get there… it’s going to be bumpy for a while. But I have faith.
A big hug would be nice right now.
This may not last, I might delete it, but for one minute I just needed to try and make some sense
I should’ve seen it glow
But everybody knows