I started the blog a million times last night and kept deleting over and over. So many thoughts, so many things to be appreciative of and I could not put into words all those things into …. one. I finally stopped and decided it’s best to sleep on it rather than put up something that was not meaningful to me. It came to me today like a striper taking the bait and bam… going with it.
Forgiveness. I am thankful for forgiveness.
For a very long time… I beat myself up mentally. I made sure that every single bad thing ever said to me I owned. Deep inside of me I could not get past incidents, names, disappointments, bad decisions, hurt and loss. As long as I did not go there everything was good. Every once in a while I was confronted with it and it would knock me off me feet a few days. It would cause me to be very quiet and reflective. But I could not get past it. Inside I did not hold resentment, anger or feel sorry for myself because I knew better. Instead I blamed myself for everything and held myself accountable.
Logically there is no way I could have been responsible for everything. But it was much easier to carry the burden and own it. And that is exactly what it is… a burden. But I would not share my burden with anyone. In fact if you had a problem or needed help or a kind word I would immediately be there. It was in compensation for what was missing in my life. I saw the burden as my weakness and felt shame of it.
One day I really started looking back and am slowly making peace with this part of myself. I started to forgive and let go. I mean really let go. I have a long road a head of me but I have manged to just be done with somethings I held onto, make MY peace and move past it.
Prayer, something so essential to me daily has become like an ongoing conversation.♥ Much love.♥
There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers. –Teresa of Avila
Also, I could not do this without trusting people, people who had no agenda other than to be my friend. These friends I have right now challenge me to look within myself and like myself. They encourage me to believe in myself. They remind me almost daily to “keep the faith”. I am so humbled by them, inspired and motivated to heal that part of myself.
It’s hard to look in the mirror sometimes and be really honest with yourself. My journey teaches me things everyday. I am getting there. ♥